The 'I hate you' but 'I love you' blues
Love Literally
Tabitha Scott
Issue date: 10/8/07 Section: Opinion
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When the fighting is over and you have packed all of his things into a cardboard box and left him a nasty message to come and pick them up, the most annoying thing in the world is that even though he has hurt you and your heart could almost wring itself inside-out with the kind of hurt that makes you go into a full body sob, you still somehow love him.
The thing about those running through the fields, kissing in the rain movie scenes is that they don't show us what happens when we take that leap and allow someone into our hearts and they renege on their love promise.
It is not easy to say, "Now that you have hurt me, I no longer love you." Just like falling in love is an intensive process, falling out of love is equally intensive. First there is the grief period, when you can't believe that you have lost something that once meant so much.
Then there is the anger that makes you wish that you had seen it coming, prepared yourself or left before you were hurt so badly. Another common feeling is to want him to understand your feelings and sometimes to want him to explain why things fell apart this way.
Unfortunately, he usually will not have all the answers - and neither will you. This is part of the dissatisfying process of cutting the cords of love. Real love can sometimes be more frustrating than that teacher who will tell you that you earned a 79.999 on a big exam that you studied for until you went temporarily blind in one eye.
None of us has any superhuman ability that makes love bend to our will. But we do have the power to disconnect ourselves from those that harm us and to form healthier patterns in our future relationships.
I know I've found myself packing that cardboard box over honesty and integrity issues. Real love starts with integrity. It is easy to trust a man who has integrity, because you know that he is not putting on a show to make you think that he is worthy of your trust.
People with real integrity are the same when no one is looking as they are when they have a crowd. Having secure trust in someone greases the path to love.
The issue with lingering love after a painful break-up is that it is like the imprint left on the skin after a band-aid has been removed.
It feels like it should still be there and you can feel the difference. Eventually the imprint will fade, but if it was truly love, you will always have the memory that the scar was there.
The thing about those running through the fields, kissing in the rain movie scenes is that they don't show us what happens when we take that leap and allow someone into our hearts and they renege on their love promise.
It is not easy to say, "Now that you have hurt me, I no longer love you." Just like falling in love is an intensive process, falling out of love is equally intensive. First there is the grief period, when you can't believe that you have lost something that once meant so much.
Then there is the anger that makes you wish that you had seen it coming, prepared yourself or left before you were hurt so badly. Another common feeling is to want him to understand your feelings and sometimes to want him to explain why things fell apart this way.
Unfortunately, he usually will not have all the answers - and neither will you. This is part of the dissatisfying process of cutting the cords of love. Real love can sometimes be more frustrating than that teacher who will tell you that you earned a 79.999 on a big exam that you studied for until you went temporarily blind in one eye.
None of us has any superhuman ability that makes love bend to our will. But we do have the power to disconnect ourselves from those that harm us and to form healthier patterns in our future relationships.
I know I've found myself packing that cardboard box over honesty and integrity issues. Real love starts with integrity. It is easy to trust a man who has integrity, because you know that he is not putting on a show to make you think that he is worthy of your trust.
People with real integrity are the same when no one is looking as they are when they have a crowd. Having secure trust in someone greases the path to love.
The issue with lingering love after a painful break-up is that it is like the imprint left on the skin after a band-aid has been removed.
It feels like it should still be there and you can feel the difference. Eventually the imprint will fade, but if it was truly love, you will always have the memory that the scar was there.
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