Take It
Runners
Arsala Khan
Issue date: 3/8/10 Section: Opinions
You know what I hate? Runners. That's right. Runners. Why, you may ask? A lot of reasons.
First off, do you know how many car accidents I've almost been in because of runners? Twelve. When I see a stunning specimen running in the golden sunlight of the afternoon,
I tend to look at his glistening,
taut body. Drenched in sweat, this young collegiate body sometimes
wipes his forehead with the back of his forearm or simply runs through the intense pain of his physical labor. Either way, it's one of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.
Too bad I almost die every time I see a hot dude run. And you know the worst part? I think guys do it on purpose. That's right.
I said it. They do it on purpose. They think, "Should I wear the Under Armor shirt today? Maybe the Nike? No, no, Arsala will be driving around town today … I'll just not wear a shirt at all. Yeah, that's a good idea." They know that perverts like me will rubberneck at every shirtless guy out there who's running on the sidewalk. And you know what? I do. That's why I'm an expert at the male runner's body.
Sometimes you'll see a really slim, narrow guy running. These guys are nice because every muscle
of their body is toned. Slightly bigger guys, I'm talking baseball and basketball-esque, are the majority
of runners you'll see. Typically
bigger than the skinny runners, they tend to have wider shoulders and narrower waists with slightly bigger legs to match.
The best catch of all, however, would be the guy that looks like what I imagine Adonis looked like. This guy is massive.
I'm talking about 6'4, 240 lbs. and built like a gymnast. Perfect symmetry and physical proportion. I don't even need to go into detail. And this is why I don't need to drive this season.
It's not just the guys that are sucking it up, though. I have to say, the ladies can be exceedingly distracting,
but for different reasons. See, I drool over the guys, but I just get depressed when I see a really fit girl running. Why?
First off, do you know how many car accidents I've almost been in because of runners? Twelve. When I see a stunning specimen running in the golden sunlight of the afternoon,
I tend to look at his glistening,
taut body. Drenched in sweat, this young collegiate body sometimes
wipes his forehead with the back of his forearm or simply runs through the intense pain of his physical labor. Either way, it's one of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.
Too bad I almost die every time I see a hot dude run. And you know the worst part? I think guys do it on purpose. That's right.
I said it. They do it on purpose. They think, "Should I wear the Under Armor shirt today? Maybe the Nike? No, no, Arsala will be driving around town today … I'll just not wear a shirt at all. Yeah, that's a good idea." They know that perverts like me will rubberneck at every shirtless guy out there who's running on the sidewalk. And you know what? I do. That's why I'm an expert at the male runner's body.
Sometimes you'll see a really slim, narrow guy running. These guys are nice because every muscle
of their body is toned. Slightly bigger guys, I'm talking baseball and basketball-esque, are the majority
of runners you'll see. Typically
bigger than the skinny runners, they tend to have wider shoulders and narrower waists with slightly bigger legs to match.
The best catch of all, however, would be the guy that looks like what I imagine Adonis looked like. This guy is massive.
I'm talking about 6'4, 240 lbs. and built like a gymnast. Perfect symmetry and physical proportion. I don't even need to go into detail. And this is why I don't need to drive this season.
It's not just the guys that are sucking it up, though. I have to say, the ladies can be exceedingly distracting,
but for different reasons. See, I drool over the guys, but I just get depressed when I see a really fit girl running. Why?
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